If you’ll remember we were about to do the first individual therapy session with Barry.
Barry joins the Zoom session from the office.
Me: “Good afternoon, Barry.”
Barry: “Hello.”
Me: “Today is my chance to learn a little more about you so I can understand better. I typically tell people to share their first memory, and we will go from there.”
Barry: “First memory? Wow, that is going back a ways. I can remember my dad packing a bag and leaving the house when I was about 4 years old., so about 33 years ago now. This happened a few times, but it is the first time I remember.”
Me: “Do you know what lead up to this?”
Barry: “No, I don’t remember what lead up to it. They were probably fighting though.”
Me: “Did your parents argue often?”
Barry: “From what I remember, all the time. It often felt like it was my fault. When they fought, they were usually talking about me. What I said or did earlier in the day and later on about my grades. I tried not to say anything because I hated to hear them argue.
Me: “Is this where you learned not to share yourself with others?”
Barry: “How do you mean?”
Me: “It seems to me that at some point you learned to keep your thoughts and feelings inside. That is probably at least one of the reasons that you don’t feel comfortable sharing now. If I spent a substantial amount of time in a situation like this, I would not want to open up because opening up is likely to lead to conflict.”
Barry: “I guess, I never put the two together.”
Me: “As we work together, I am going to challenge this way of thinking. Though I understand it does not feel like it, it is much healthier to share things along the way especially with our partners. If we don’t share, then the feelings will stay inside festering like an infection. This will increase resentment and bitterness. Also, our partners often do not feel like they are part of our lives because we do not include in our lives.”
Barry: “I don’t like the idea, but I get it.”
Me: “I can appreciate that. I know I interrupted so keep going.”
Barry: “When I was in 8th grade, they got divorced and I learned later that there was another woman my dad spent time with. He said it was never physical between them.”
Me: “When did you learn there were extramarital relationships on your dad’s part?”
Barry: “It was during college. It kinda messed me up for a semester or two.”
Me: “How about we practice sharing some feelings so that it becomes a little more comfortable. What were the feelings when you found out about your father and his reaching outside of the marriage.”
Barry: “I was angry for a long time. That anger made it difficult to concentrate on my college work, which made me even more frustrated. I barely passed those semesters.”
Me: “That does sound like anger. Often times anger is the cover emotion because we think it puts us in a place of strength. Do you think there might have been other feelings present?”
Barry: “I know when I went home during the summers to my mom’s house I would hear her crying in her room. This made me sad too. We never talked about it, but I assume it had to do with my dad cheating.”
Most likely Barry was sad that his dad chose this other woman rather than them. I don’t want to push Barry too hard at this point because I am still trying to get him to buy into the process. Without that Barry will likely shut me out as he has done with most other people in his life. Rest of the session with Barry will be in part 9.