Earlier I highlighted the disadvantage to making assumptions in therapy. This is also true in our everyday lives. We often make assumptions about the intent of others. These assumptions impact how we respond to other people in our life. A simple example before we get back to Brenda and Barry. Your partner leaves the toothpaste on the counter. Your thought might be they know I like things clean in the bathroom. Your assumption is my preferences don’t matter to them or they don’t respect me. Hurt and anger will soon follow. Your partner may have been thinking that they will leave the toothpaste out because they are wanting to show care, knowing that you are going to brush your teeth soon. When you react with the hurt and anger what is your partner thinking and feeling? I can’t even share a little kindness without criticism. See how quickly things can go bad. Amazing how powerful a tube of toothpaste is. No, it’s not the tube of toothpaste. Rather it is the assumptions we make about the intent behind someone else’s actions or statements surrounding that tube of toothpaste.
Back to Brenda and Barry. An assumption was made based on the first comment Barry made to Brenda in the couple’s therapy session. Making assumptions in life is most often a mistake, but making assumptions as a therapist can have dire consequences to the connection you are trying to make with your clients. A preferred path is to think more in terms of possibilities. One such possibility is that Brenda is harsh and critical of Barry. Another possibility is Barry may have felt criticized as a child growing up and their interactions remind him of being that child. Therefore, more reactive. Another possibility is that Barry feels criticized at work and so he takes the interactions in the home the same way. One more for good measure. Maybe Barry wants to get the therapist aligned with him at the outset of therapy. There are probably at least ten to fifteen more possibilities. So if the therapist assumes the first to be true and negates the other possibilities, then faulty assumptions and therefore faulty work may prevail.
In response to Barry’s comment, Brenda rolls her eyes and …
Brenda: “That again?”
The body language and retort give us a bunch of new information. Brenda’s roll of the eyes might be seen on a spectrum from I’m tired of hearing this to contempt. Brenda may be expressing disagreement or disbelief through frustration or possibly contempt. The concept of contempt shows a lack of respect or even disgust and so will be more problematic for the relationship. The words, that again, might convey the message that this has been an ongoing issue for the couple. This will need to be confirmed down the road because remember we do not want to make assumptions, rather we are thinking in possibilities.
Some therapists would use this opportunity to jump in at this point and start asking clarifying questions about intent or asking why they are feeling the way they do. This is a valid approach. As a therapist make sure you are intervening for the right reasons though. The therapist may fear that the conflict will escalate and that they may lose control of the session. Coming from a place of fear will not help anyone.
When I first started out in the field conflict made me uncomfortable because I felt like I was not “doing my job”, which hypothetically was to reduce conflict in the couple. At this point in my career, I understand that it is important to see how the couple fights in order to be helpful. I would rather see early on how the couple communicates during an argument so that I know better when it is important to intervene. This in itself is a set of strategies that I will not go into right now. So rather that asking clarifying questions I allow them to escalate the interaction.