Couple’s session one (note this is a vignette based on some of the most common issues present in the couples I see – not actual clients). Brenda and Barry come in for their first session with me. As they join the session via Zoom, I introduce myself. I notice that they are present in the same room and are sitting on the couch together. Brenda is leaning toward the camera with a bit of distance between her and Barry. Barry is leaning back and seems a bit disconnected from the process. After sharing the limits of confidentiality with the couple I ask if they have any questions for me. Both shake their heads no.
Me: “What brings you into therapy today?” Brenda looks back at Barry.
Barry: “Why don’t you go first because I obviously can’t do anything right anyway.”
This statement might seem very telling and it would be easy to make some quick assumptions about what is going on. Once we make assumptions, even for therapists, a narrative is formed. This narrative (or story) once decided on can inform how we intervene. This can be at a minimum, unhelpful. Assumptions close us off from other possibilities.
If one was to make an assumption from the first comment, it would likely be seeing Barry as the victim and Brenda as the aggressor. One might go so far as to say Brenda has torn down the self-esteem of Barry, and he can’t do anything right in her eyes. If the therapist takes this assumption as truth, are they going to be able to see Brenda in a good light? Probably not. The therapist could align with Barry against Brenda. Aligning can be not believing, not giving her time to share her perspective or to outright be hostile.
This alignment can worsen if the therapist has not done their own work resulting in countertransference. Imagine if the therapist growing up had a mother who was always critical of their dad. The dad would then go to the therapist as a child and complain about the mom. Those childhood feelings may reappear. The therapist may then place those feelings onto Brenda, making their view of Brenda even worse. Their chances of having a successful outcome with the coupe have dimmed.