In part 1 we talked about how the proverb had changed over the years and how mistakes are part of the human experience. Moving to forgiveness is the challenge. Through our time together I hope to persuade you that even though the process of forgiving is difficult, it will pay dividends.
If only we could move from anger, revenge and resentment toward compassion and forgiveness, then the weight we carry through life might be lessened making our journey far less burdensome. Moving toward forgiveness is one of the areas I endeavor to teach in my work with my clients. As the proverb points out, it is a universal struggle that we all come into contact with and have to wrestle with. Though I am frequently met with a palpable resistance at first mention, those willing to take a moment to hear me out often begin to see the freedom forgiveness can offer.
The resistance I see in my clients is understandable and a common reaction I have come to expect. This does not deter my efforts to at least offer up a road map that could lead to a new destination. I have heard many reasons for not moving toward forgiveness and some of those are quite compelling. As I share the road map I use with my clients, grant me a bit of leeway before discounting what I share as rubbish. The map is not polished and defined even though I have been working on it for 25+ years professionally. The individual experience makes a cookie cutter solution for everyone at a minimum nearly impossible.
From my experience, there are three general headings for forgiveness. The first, forgiveness for others is probably where I get the most resistance from those I work with. The second, forgiveness for self is the most overlooked, pervasive and insidious of the types. The third is forgiveness toward God, the heavens or the universe depending on the individual’s belief system.
Before we discuss forgiveness in a broad sense or the individual types in detail, it may be helpful to give a bit more context. Let’s look at why emotions and feelings are present, how they are different, and what that means for us as we engage this journey called life.
We know from the first half of the proverb that we all make mistakes. We can then deduce that people in our lives are going to err in our direction as well. When they oops toward us we will likely get hurt by their harsh words, rudeness, or perceived rejection. When we feel hurt by someone the typical emotional reaction is sadness. For many, being sad feels weak and vulnerable. To feel weak and vulnerable is too uncomfortable and so, to feel stronger or more in control of the situation the individual might move to or actively choose anger. This can give us a perceived sense of power and an enhanced ability to create distance from the one who hurt us.
Simultaneously, the fight or flight response is activated in the body. This can be protective in situations where we are in danger but can also be triggered when such a strong reaction is not needed. Where does that “protective” energy go? The energy will either be expressed externally in the direction of the person who hurt us or stored internally. Neither is beneficial unless the situation is dangerous and you need the strength to remove yourself. Though the fight or flight response was imbued to keep us out of harm’s way, it can take a toll on the human body especially if we remain in that state for an extended period of time.
The anger we think we need to protect ourselves or to punish the offender and maintain the strength to keep a protective distance, in actuality is like a set of bricks we are carrying in our backpack. It takes a toll on our physical, mental and spiritual well-being the entire time that we carry it (hold the anger that turns to bitterness and resentment).
Not only does anger impact us but it tends to linger like a cough. Anger creates distance from others and clouds our view of the world and life in general. I call anger a divisive feeling because it has the tendency to cause division between us and other people. Think about it. If you are angry with a partner, are you as patient and kind in the workplace or even with your own family? Of course not, because that anger being carried in our heart, mind and body disrupts our ability to be totally present in the moment. I would like to discuss intent here, but it is often too early and so I will try to remember to bring it up in my later communications. If I forget, then message me a reminder because it is an important concept especially in our relationships.
Before I end for the day, I am going to share a concept already addressed. My reason for doing this is that I want to start exposing the client to seeing things from another angle or thought process. Sometimes we get stuck viewing only one side of the equation, limiting understanding and empathy.
There are at least three types of perceived hurt. The most obvious and talked about is when we are hurt by someone else. There is a lot of material written about this and many people who speak on the topic, but I will cover it anyway at a later time. There is also anger toward the world, the universe or God. This is rarely discussed but I believe it is much more common than recognized. I will share about this as well.
The most insidious, deceptive and pernicious of the hurts are the self-imposed type. This is often not intentional or may even be entirely subconscious, but the net effect is particularly negative. Have you ever made a gaffe or mistake in a public situation? Of course you have, because we all have. What is the emotion we experience afterward; embarrassment, worry, anxiety or just overall ickiness. How about a mistake at work? You have probably felt bad, maybe even inadequate. This is the hurt we will look at first because it tends to be received the easiest. Received the easiest but not adjusted the easiest.
Interesting how the other side of forgiveness is hurt. Until next time. A bit of a warning, there is so much material that this would probably be best presented in book form, but I already have a few books in process so no time right now. I will try not to be too tangential as I present the material. Some tangentiality will be necessary to convey a deeper understanding of some of the concepts necessary to fully comprehend the road map. I appreciate your patience.
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