Still with Barry individually and looking to inquire about previous relationships.
Me: “I get the impression from your earlier answers that your relationship with your sister is better now, but with your parents that it is still strained. Can you tell me more?”
Barry: “Sure. The last 4-5 years have been better with my sister. We talk a couple of times a month. My mom makes everything about her and so I don’t get anything out of spending time with her.”
Me: “How about your dad?”
Barry: “We don’t talk really.”
Me: “How come?”
Barry: “Since he left my mom, we just haven’t had the best relationship.”
I can hear a bit of agitation in Barry’s voice when it comes to talking about his dad. I could pursue the emotion, but I risk losing the rapport that has already been built. I will return to this at a later time when more trust has been established.
Me: “Before we conclude today, I would like to know about previous relationships.” Barry will likely be more comfortable talking about previous relationships when Brenda is not present.
Barry: “I’ve only had a couple of relationships before Brenda. The first was as a freshman at college. After a few months though she became very critical and it wasn’t worth the effort. The second lasted almost a year. We argued quite a bit and decided we weren’t good together. The loss of the second relationship hurt a lot more.”
Me: “Did you notice any patterns?”
Barry: “No. The first became very mean and the second we just argued a lot. They were very different people.”
Me: “Alright, we are getting close to the end of the session. Is there anything else that would be good for me to know about you?”
Barry: “It feels like I have told you quite a bit. Nothing else comes to mind.”
Me: “Okay, thank you for sharing about yourself and I will see you in two weeks when we are all back together.”
Barry: “Great!”
Barry’s last response could be taken a couple of ways. First, maybe he was thankful that he did not have to see me for two weeks. Given the body language I will take door number two. Barry’s response shows a positive shift from the initial session where he seemed to melt into the background. It is possible it was just a better day and Barry had more energy. It is also possible that Barry was less concerned about being criticized. Barry might actually be experiencing a bit of hope. I am guessing that Barry doesn’t feel heard and understood very often. So, to be given the space to be him was unexpected and well received.
Over time working together the reasons will likely become clearer. If you noticed I asked about his parents twice, in slightly different ways. This was intentional. Often people have prepped answers that they give to the public when a topic comes up. By asking a second time it can allow the individual to access more of the feelings harnessed below the surface. Kind of like when you pass by someone you know. You ask how they are doing. Instead of going deeper they answer with well, fine, okay, or some other variation. If this were individual therapy, I would follow the feelings as it can provide clues to negative core beliefs. There does seem to be some strong feelings connected to his parents. It sounds like hurt and anger toward his mom and hurt and sadness toward his dad.
Another thing that stood out was his dating relationships. Barry states that his first girlfriend was critical and mean. The second girlfriend he argued with often. Sounds reminiscent of what he is experiencing in his current relationship. Something to store away for later.
Next time maybe I will look at and explain core beliefs before we meet with Brenda individually.