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Still with Barry; couple’s session #2 – first individual session. Remember Barry and Brenda are not real clients (confidentiality is imperative) but are representative of what I see in my sessions with couples each and every working day. This is also not sensationalized to draw more views and interest like other stories out there.
Me: “Did you have a support system growing up Barry?” A support system can be an integral part of healing. Support allows people to feel cared for and as a result can give them the strength to make needed change and possibly correct negative core beliefs. Without support, individuals are often in a state of survival unable to get feedback from others. Without care and concern the negative core beliefs continue to rule the individual’s story of self, others, and the world as a whole. Support can come in many forms. It can come from a grandparent, sibling, longtime friend, partner, or a caring and compassionate therapist.
Barry: “My sister was five years younger, so until a few years ago we were not very close. I also didn’t have many friendships because I didn’t want anyone else to know what it was like at home.”
Me: “Did you stay close to either parent?”
Barry: “Not really. I felt closer to my dad but I never knew when he was going to be around. He was not the most dependable person. My mom was always mad at me so I couldn’t talk to her. Anytime I tried to tell her something she either ignored me or got angry, so I quickly learned not to bring anything up to her.”
Me: “Sometimes people can remind us of painful times. It can be the words used, the tone, facial expressions, mannerisms or even having a similar look to the offender of the pain. Is it possible that you reminded your mom of your dad? When your mom heard you or saw you maybe she saw your dad and the anger at your dad got poured out onto you?”
Barry: “Maybe.”
Me: “Don’t answer this question now as we will talk about it in future sessions. Is it possible that a bit of the anger you feel toward Brenda is actually anger toward your mom?” I gave Barry the option not to answer now as I did not want him to go too far internally and potentially lose his involvement in the session.
Barry: “I don’t know.”
I don’t know is a very common answer for the internal processor. Typically, they feel like they need to say something but have not taken the time to process the new information or the feelings around it. This question is playing a couple of roles in my goal of better understanding Barry and how he sees himself and the world around him. The question is testing Barry’s reactivity, level of introspection and willingness to accept feedback. This question is also giving Barry the opportunity to practice processing emotional content.
At this point I have a few options. I could pursue this track of thinking and assist Barry in learning how to process these thoughts and feelings. This would definitely be a helpful route to take, but I also want to engage Brenda in that process so that she can develop understanding and empathy for the work Barry is doing. A more helpful pursuit for me at this point in our work together may be to look at and understand Barry’s more recent relationships with people in general, but especially with dating relationships. Previous dating relationships can give insight into patterns of behavior that tend to span an individual’s relationships unless they make a concerted effort to create change or if they get help to facilitate those changes.