Why individual sessions in couple’s therapy? This is not something all or maybe even most therapists do, but I have found it to be indispensable in my work with couples. These individual sessions are great for getting a better understanding of each person and their individual histories. The goal is to get a sense of what it was like growing up in the home of each partner, good or bad. This historical information can give insight into negative or distorted core beliefs and provide perspective on where certain behaviors or thought patterns originated, as these often have a negative impact on one’s relationships with others.
Core beliefs determine how we see ourselves in relation to others and in the world as a whole. It might be helpful to see them as the pilings that steady the foundation much like a home. These pilings can be strong and sturdy or they can be starting to crumble, creating a strong or failing foundation. When our core beliefs are secure and healthy then the home, like us, sits steadfast and level. Little damage is seen inside the home or to the ones around it. If on the other hand the core beliefs are harmful or distorted in some way, then we will start to see stress cracks in the walls. These can widen over time making the structure less and less safe. The fireplace may even separate from the home and fall onto the neighbor’s house causing substantial damage. The same can happen in our own lives (cracks start to surface) and in our relationships (damage can be done). Some examples of core beliefs include; is the world a safe place, are people trustworthy, am I good enough, or am I even loveable? As a therapist, following the feeling a client is expressing can lead us to these core beliefs. Will talk more about this in future sessions.
Individual sessions with each partner also allow me to hear about the previous relationships the individual clients have been in and what worked and what did not. These questions are at best awkward when asked with the current partners present. Clients are much more reticent to share and may hold back key pieces of information to avoid discomfort. This leads into the topic of secrets. Therapists handle this topic quite differently. For some therapists, secrets are not allowed period. Anything spoken in any of the sessions are to be made public to the couple as a whole because the couple is the client. This is why many couple’s therapists will not meet with the partners individually because it can expose such secrets. I totally respect this view, but I do not endorse it at least in my own work with couples. I feel like I miss out on too much valuable information that could help the couple make gains. My goal is to help the secret holding partner to share with their significant other over time. Retaining secrets is never the goal. Honest and open conversations, even if they hurt, are much healthier and can bring improved closeness and connection.
What kinds of secrets might be disclosed during these individual sessions? Past or current infidelity is probably the most impactful revelation shared during these sessions. Other possibilities include not being in love with their partner anymore, making plans to leave the relationship, changes in faith, or addictions. I would estimate the prevalence of secrets to be maybe 1 in every 20 couples I have seen over the years, so it is not all that common. When present though, exposed secrets (even if only to me) will inform my work with the couple. I will have a more accurate understanding of what may be interfering with our work together, giving me the opportunity to make informed decisions in my work. To not know about secrets because they are not allowed in therapy makes me blind and our work together inefficient at best. I totally understand the opposing view as well. The constant judgement (not in terms of judging our clients but in the way we practice the craft) calls that need to be made in the profession can be quite challenging as we will see as we continue “A Therapist’s Ponderings”.
We will start Barry’s individual session in part 8.