Me: “So who wants to give a history of the relationship?”
Brenda: “I can start. We met 11 years ago nearing graduation from college at a school function. We dated on and off for a few years.”
Me: “Why was it on and off?”
Barry: “We were on and off for only about 18 months.”
Brenda: “Barry would be very hot and cold. At times he wanted to be together and at other times I was last on his priority list.”
Barry: “That’s not true. Brenda would get very needy of our time together and at the same time become very critical of me and how I spent my time.”
Me: “Let me interrupt for a moment.” It seems as though the couple is moving toward being more defensive and accusatory. This will likely lead to increasing hostilities and Barry shutting down, based on past experience with the couple. This is a great opportunity to help Barry practice staying engaged in the conversation. At the same time, I want to know how well they each regulate their own emotions. Even more important in the moment to me is how insightful is the couple, so I pose another question.
Me: “How have things changed since that off and on-again phase of dating?” This question may move them from the past to the present as I can tell there is some residual pain from the dating process. I am thinking that the patterns have not changed much over time and so the earlier pain is getting triggered and built upon today. This gives the couple a chance to show me that I am thinking incorrectly or for the couple to realize that they continue to struggle in the same area.
Brenda: “Now that I think about it, it probably hasn’t changed all that much.”
Barry has been quiet. I want his opinion, his insight, and to check if he is internally overwhelmed.
Me: “What do you think, Barry?”
A long pause.
Me: “Barry, can you tell me what is happening for you right now? What are your thoughts and feelings?” Hopefully at this point in time, Brenda is paying attention to how I am trying to connect to Barry and draw him back into the conversation. Asking her to watch, would likely create a power imbalance and our rapport this early will likely not be strong enough to weather it.
Barry: “I’m not sure. It feels all jumbled up.”
Me: “Can you pull out a couple of things to share?”
Barry: “When you were talking it felt like a flood of feelings hit me and I don’t know what the feeling was.”
I can tell by Barry’s tone that he is getting agitated. So, I want to take the spotlight off of him for a moment so that he can calm himself. I shift to Brenda to see if she is tracking and to see the level of empathy she has for Barry.
Me: “Brenda, can you share your perspective on what Barry said?” This opens the door for Brenda to ridicule or dismiss Barry’s experience, but that will be telling too.
Brenda: “This is the frustrating part. Barry always shuts down and so nothing gets resolved.”
Me: “Can you tell me what that experience is like for you?”
Brenda: “I feel helpless. The divide between us just gets bigger and he doesn’t care.”
Me: “I noticed you said helpless and I saw some sadness in your eyes, yet what I am hearing feels like anger.”
Brenda: “I used to get sad, but that got us nowhere.”
Me: “The thing about anger is that we often use it to protect ourselves from the emotions that we are actually experiencing. We also can feel that anger gives us a sense of power or control where other feelings like sadness and hurt can make us feel weak and powerless. Anger is what I view as a dividing emotion. This means when we express anger, we are pushing others away. Usually, we use anger with the ones that are closest to us. Hurt or sadness tend to draw people closer. Our partner is the one we want to be closest to, right? I would encourage you to return to sharing the hurt and sadness rather than the anger you have allowed to replace it. We are approaching the end of the session. I typically will see the couple together (to get an idea of presenting problem and overall interactions) and then see each of you individually once to get individual histories. Then I will bring you back together for session 4. Who wants to come in first individually?”
Barry: “I will if that’s okay?”
Me: “Is that okay with you Brenda?”
Brenda: “That’s fine.”
Me: “Okay then, I will see Barry next week, you in two weeks Brenda, and then back altogether after.”