Barry double’s down.
Barry: “You don’t care about what I have to say.”
Brenda quips back.
Brenda: “I’ve been listening for years, but nothing ever changes.”
Barry gets quiet and doesn’t say anything else, just looks at his feet. Generally, when we look down we are processing feelings or stuck in our emotions. Brenda makes a few more comments.
Brenda: “I’m tired of him blaming everything on me.”
A pause and then.
Brenda: “I’m frustrated!”
Me: “Is this how your arguments usually go?”
Barry shakes his head in agreeance and then looks back at the floor.
Brenda: “Unfortunately, this is pretty typical for us.”
Something stands out from this exchange. The couple did not name call or try to tear one another down to win. This may still happen behind closed doors, so it is important to not eliminate it as a possibility entirely. This is encouraging as a therapist because there still appears to be active care and concern between the partners.
Me: “Does Barry often get quiet during arguments leaving you frustrated Brenda?”
Both nod affirmatively. This question is to either inform or counter a working theory I have in my mind.
Me: “Is it possible that in arguments or at times when there is a lot of emotion being expressed that you, Barry, feel overwhelmed causing you to shut down.”
Brenda: “Hmm?” Softly under her breath.
Barry: “I guess that’s possible. I just know that I can’t think in that moment and I don’t want to make things worse.”
Me: “In general terms there are two ways people process information in the moment. You can think of it as a continuum. On the one end is the internal processor and on the other is the external processor. The internal processor takes information in from the external world and from their own feelings, thoughts and experiences and tries to make sense of it all internally first. Once processed the internal processor might share with others.”
Me: “The external processor needs to speak or write the thoughts, feelings and experiences out in order to fully process them. This can be overwhelming to the internal processor. Not only is the internal processor trying to process and understand their partner’s feelings, but what they are hearing is causing internal reactions that are also needing to be processed. The need for the internal processor to take time in the midst of the conversation can be frustrating for the external processor. The external processor may feel as though the internal processor is trying to isolate and doesn’t care.”
Me: “There are additional disadvantages for the internal processor that we will s. The overall goal for the internal processor is to continually lessen the time to process internally and work toward doing some processing externally. The goal for the external processor who is with an internal processor is to not take it personally and allow the internal processor the space to work through the new information. As an internal processor it is okay to ask for a little time for processing but try to keep that time less than an hour. Also, if the internal processor requested the break they are responsible to go back to their partner and initiate the continuation of the conversation.”
Me: “Is this making sense so far Barry?”
Barry: “Yes. I didn’t realize I was doing this.”
Me: “How about for you Brenda?”
Brenda: “I guess.”
Me: “Do you think you can give Barry a time out from especially emotionally laden conversations if he gets back to you soon?”
Brenda: “Yes I think I can do that.”
Me: “Great. And remember Barry you are responsible for letting Brenda know you need the break and for getting back to the topic within the hour.”
Barry: “Got it.”