Welcome to part 2 of couple’s therapy. Before we meet Brenda and Barry there is one more talking point that is vital to all therapy and even more so couple’s work; rapport. For deep work to occur, rapport is necessary and it starts with the first contact. So, what is this thing called rapport? It is the concept of fostering a connection with another person based on mutual respect, understanding and trust. When these elements are present it is easier for the client, friend, or family member to share their struggles. If they feel judged or are made to feel less than it is likely that they will pull back and not share of themselves, hindering the growth process. Would you want to share your areas of struggle with someone who was judgy or who will tell others what you shared? Of course not.
The process of rapport building should start with the first contact between therapist and client. This means being on time and being present during the counseling session. Recently I have been hearing from clients that it is not uncommon for therapists to be late or to not show at all. Emergencies happen, but how long does it take to text someone you will be absent. To me this is disrespectful to the client. If this is your experience, I would encourage you to keep shopping for a therapist. Rapport is that important. I will probably get a bit of hate for this, but I will say it anyway. The ability of the therapist to build rapport is just as or even more important than their skillset. No matter their experience or that they were a referral, if you do not feel cared for or respected it is time to find someone you can gain rapport with.
A bit off topic. Therapists are human beings that are imperfect. They grew up in imperfect homes with imperfect parents just like their clients. These interactions and experiences that helped form that imperfect therapist are actually a positive in the therapeutic setting; if and only if they have done their own work to process and work through the feelings, thoughts and experiences. Unfortunately, not all clinical programs require therapists to seek their own therapy while in school. Having these struggles as a therapist is a positive because it tends to increase empathy, compassion and understanding. Though it would not be possible for a therapist to have the same experiences of all their clients, having some negative experiences allows them to connect with the feelings of others. For example, an actress I know played a scene where her daughter died. The actress has not lost a daughter but was able to connect with that feeling of loss through the pain of her own losses.
Next week we get to meet Brenda and Barry who are only a representation of my experience with couples.